The Shock of Terror

Yesterday was a sad day for many people especially for the people of France. As another living being, I mourn for those lost and suffering. Seeing how I have friends who live in or near Paris, I am deeply concerned for my friends’ well-being.

As an American, who is old enough to remember 9/11 clearly, I can relate to the shock of such an attack. I remember that day well.

I was 17, and it was around 06:30. I lived in Reno, NV so there was three hours’ difference between time zones. I wasn’t feeling well and trying to wake up after staying up too late on a school night. Then the phone rang, it was my stepdad: Me: “Hello?” Him: “Turn on CNN! Turn on CNN!” Me: “What, why?” Him: “Just turn on CNN!” Then he hung up.

Groggy, I got up and slowly turned on the TV. Then I was the twin towers, both of them on fire. The headline read something about a terrorist attack in NYC. New York?!?! I was shocked and didn’t quite believe what I was seeing. I don’t know how long I just stood there watching. Trying to understand what was going on. Then I realized that Mum, who was sleeping *needed* to see what I was seeing.

I barged into Mum’s room babbling and trying to convey what was going on, but the words didn’t come out right at all. Something like, “The World Trade! The World, the world! New York! World buildings!”  She was too confused to understand what I was trying to say and told me just to let her sleep until it was time for her to take us to school. I don’t blame her at all for this. She couldn’t have known what I had just seen on the news, and she truly did need her sleep.

I quickly got ready for school and went back to the living room. There I stared at the TV. I learned about the other planes. The one that hit the Pentagon. The one that was likely headed for the White House that was brought down before it reached its distention. Soon after Mum came in the room. I think she said “Oh, my God!” I don’t know I was too shocked to care really.

I left for school just after the first building collapsed. Just before my sisters and I went out the door for Mum to take us to school Mum gathered us together and told us to pray for those people and the world. We had no idea who it was or what was going to happen.

When I got to school, several of my friends were in the hall. One of them was the head of the prayer group that gathered every morning. Now it’s important to know that I tell you I wasn’t Christian and openly wore a pentacle around my neck, but My friend invited me to pray with them. I accepted the offer, and there I stood holding hands with my friend and a group of people I often clashed with over more often than not petty differences. I prayed. I prayed because I didn’t know what else to do because these people were calling out for help and were offering support. At that moment, I realized that we were all just frightened people doing what we knew how to do. We were all just trying to cope with this major event.

Yes, that day changed my life. No, I didn’t personally know any of the victims but on that day I vowed not to let whoever organized those attacks win. I’ve taken it a step further now and have made it my life’s work to do my part in doing all I can to be understanding of all people. All walks of life. I don’t hate Muslims or the people of the Middle East. I do, however, hate the hideous actions of these radical groups. On this day, I ask everyone to stand with me and each other I want to see the world united against these monsters. I want all of us to take a stand and tell them that we will not be divided nor will we cower in the dark. These actions are awful, and they are not okay in any way shape or form.

It’s ironic that this is the first time I’ve openly shared my memories of 9/11 but I feel that if there’s any “good” time to do so than this is likely the best time. I hope that this can reach at least a few people and help them to know that they’re not alone. United we stand!


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Birthday Wishes For Fal

I want to start of this post by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the lovely Fal Skywolf, who is lv30 as of today! Woot, woot!! I’d be handing out spankings but I think my paw would fall off if I tried… Either that or it’d be lopped off. And if I gave a pinch to grow… yeah, I’m not going to go there. :p All joking aside I hope there’s lots of fun Fal times today. ^^


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Testing… TESTING… Whoa I Think There’s Power Here

I think it’s time for me to start blogging again. I haven’t done it much in the last few years for a variety of reasons but these reasons have come and gone. I need to get over what others might think about what I have to say and just be myself so here goes nothing…

Hello, and welcome once again to my blog. Please, come in and stay a while. I don’t know where this will lead but that’s part of the fun of life, is it not?

Lately I have found that I’ve been in a far better mood. This is a welcoming state to be in for I have been fighting some major emotional issues over the last few years. I’ve had my ups and downs but I think I’ve finally come to grips with some major triggers. I feel that this could be a major turning point for me if I can keep my head up and not let others get in my head again.

I have a lot tumbling around in my mind and I think I’m in a state where I can finally express myself in words again. I feel more free now than I have in years. Part of this is because I’ve think I’ve finally stopped obsessing about what I did wrong in my last relationship (whatever it was in the end). I realize that yes, I did wrong but I wasn’t the only one. I’ve come to the conclusion that this doesn’t make me a monster and the fact that I stopped trying was my way of protecting what little of myself I had left.

Words like “your demons have won” will always hurt but they no longer haunt my dreams. I’m still here and I’m standing on my own now. These fears will no longer control me!

I must say though much pain was caused I don’t hold any ill will towards the major person involved in my latest stumble. As a matter of fact I don’t regret the time I spent trying to make things work out between us. I see all of the pain and all the time spent picking up the pieces worth every bit of it. I’m now stronger than ever and I learned so much.

If I could say anything to this person now I would say:

Thank you for the memories both good and bad. Thank you for the lessons and all the trials you put me through. Though we’ll likely never be friends again I’m glad that I had you in my life no matter how angry I was in the end. Though you’ve hurt me I forgive you.

Now a note on forgiveness. I’m not one of those people who forgive and forget. When I forgive someone that doesn’t mean I’ll welcome them back in my life. It means that I no longer hold any grudge against them. We may never speak again but I hold no ill will against them. This is how I chose to make peace with myself more than anything. If they never forgive me for my flaws then so be it. That’s their prerogative and I’ll never ask for it. This is my way of saying “I have made my peace”and that’s all.

In other news I did come back in contact with a friend who I had become quite distant with in all of my soul searching. When we came back in contact with each other it was like we’d never been apart but now I have no idea what to think about him. I mean he’s a good guy but I think he needs to do a lot of soul searching himself and I don’t know if I can help him or not. Well, I think I’m going to sit on the side lines and if he wants to talk to me then I’ll talk. If not then I guess I’ll just let him go his own way. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I don’t want to get in the way or have any unnecessary drama.

Now it’s time for be to be going for now. I hope to be back and writing again soon.

Take care everyone,


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Who IS Derema Phoenixia?

I’m going to be flat out honest with you all here I have several personae one of them is my legal personality she uses my legal name (and no, I don’t want to tell you that name :p) yes, but she isn’t very much of a person. She gets the legal stuff done and is out in a flash. One can call here a rather mundane person all in all. There are a few people that know her as a family member. The one to go to for advice- “How do you fix____?” “What do you do if____?” “How do I____?” and so on. She is more or less straight-laced with only a small hint of Derema herself. She’s the one that the blood family knows the best but she isn’t who I care to be for the most part.

Then there’s the author in me that’s too shy to come completely out. Very few people really know her and that’s how she likes it. She will never be completely Derema for Derema’s far more open in most areas. Yes, Derema also writes and is getting better abut just letting everything just become whatever it is but this person is the shy one who if ever learned to open up and let herself go she may even become unstoppable but she’s not Derema though she’s closer to Derema than the legal personality.

Then there’s Deréma Phoenixia there’s a lot more to her than my other “alter-egos” She is the closest to being me that I know of. She is the one that shows the most when I’m comfortable. My best friends and mates know who she is the best. A lot of you people who know me on-line knows Derema or a least a part of her. She’s usually open, fun-loving, a bit hyper, completely crazy and does all she can to be herself.

So how did Derema come to be me? Well, first I should give you a bit of a background as to how she came to be. A lot of people ask me about this when they learn about my legal name or learn about Derema for that matter. It was the turn of the century… Really, it was just after 2000… lol The name has been with me for more than ten years. I was still in high school (Oh no, I’m dating myself ;p). At that time I was going through a lot of changes like most teens do. I was done being a thing more than a person. I hated myself and knew that I needed to change. So I planned on changing my whole life. My friends, my habits even my religion. Some of these things took more time than others but this was the turning point in my life- the birth of Derema if you will.

How the name Deréma Phoenixia came to be? This is a bit of a long story but here goes nothing… (Sorry if this is a bit dilute and mixed up. It’s been a while sense I tried to recall this.) There was this nerdy little girl who’s name will remain untold. That I had became friends with a long while before but had just been reunited with after several years. This girl was undoubtedly the strangest person I’d ever met but I was strangely attracted to her. Maybe it was because of how strange she was that I found that attraction to her Whatever the cause it’s really not matter we became close friends and that was an odd feeling for me. For I never bothered with being close to anyone. I thought they were all the same abusive creatures that my mother and stepfather were so I didn’t bother with being close to anyone but she wasn’t like that at all.

What does this have to do with how I got the name? Well, she was the one who came up with the name at first. It was my “alien name” if you will. After all she thought she wasn’t from Earth and was in fact some sort of alien heir to a galaxy and if I liked her that meant I was the same as her so I was dubbed “Derema Phoenixia” by the “Alien Princess.” I can’t remember exactly how the “Derema” past came about but I remember thinking that it reminded me a bit of the word “dream” so I liked it. As for “Phoenixia” it was a corruption of the word “Phoenix” for this “Princess” saw the Great Phoenix in me as if it was my totem. Little did she know that I already had seen the phoenix in me for I was indeed trying to burn my old live away and trying to recreate a new life out of what there was left.

Not long after I received my name I decided to make it my on-line name. I figured if I grew out of it I could always change the name but that didn’t turn out to be the case. Over time I started introduce myself a Derema outside of the interwebs.

Derema began to stray from the old me just as I had hoped for. Suddenly more and more people knew me as Derema not my legal name and I like it! There was one issue my blood-kin had no clue of Derema and I began to realize hat I was happy with this fact. If all they did to me was degrade the me they did know what would the do to a new me? I didn’t want them to even have the chance to try to hurt the new born part of me. So I kept her from them and everyone who knew me as Derema I kept mostly away from my blood-kin. Soon I had two “families” my blood-kin and my friends that knew who I really was.

A lot of people who knew me on-line started to ask me how Derema was pronounced. Time and time again I tried to tell them it’s de-ray-ma but it never stuck. Finally I started to use the French ‘é’ for the second ‘e’ but most people still didn’t get it but I liked that spelling better anyway.

Over time I told a few people what my legal name was and the most popular questions they had were: “How did you come up with the name ‘Derema?’” and “What does it mean?” So what does my name mean? At one point I started tell people that “Deréma” was kind of a corruption of word “dream” and “Phoenixia” was a corruption of the word “phoenix” and it’s been that way ever since.

But who IS Deréma Phoenixia? As you can see her history is long and she’s directly tied to my legal past but Deréma Phoenixia is her own person with her own life.

Ahh the dream phoenix as she’s come to call herself lately. The phoenix is one of the most amazing creatures to me. Much like how Derema came to be the phoenix burns itself and out of the ashes is reborn to become something more- something better.

Derema once was herself as just a crazy cat-girl/boy/boi… err cat-person I guess is the best way to put it. With a phoenix as her totem animal. That is like the native Americans use totem animals. Now she’s something a bit more it seems. But what is a bit unknown as of yet. Perhaps she’ll show herself more as her totem or maybe a cross between her cat self and her phoenix self. These details will come in time though.

Her main family is Fal, a crazy cat-girl who Derema happens to love very deeply. Meta, a chaotic bird thing who’s equally loved just as crazy but in very different ways. Hoshi, the cat no, she really IS a cat not just a fleshy thing trying to add fur. Bob, the ferret- again a “REAL” ferret but he’s quite old so he doesn’t have a lot a fur left. Last but not least there’s Margarita, a green-cheeked conure. These are the people that’s been with Derema through thick and thin despite all the crap that’s happened. These people are more that just blood they are true family.

She’s been though a lot but is a strong, caring, fun-loving spirit who never what’s to grow up completely but can be very serious when she needs to be. She’s willing to give anyone a hug but if anyone other that the ones she chooses try to take it further they’re likely to get their face clawed off.

With that said I think that’s about all I have for now. Geez this is a lot longer that I thought it would and I think that’s a good thing.


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Over the last month or so I have been feeling quite unproductive so I decided to try something new and get myself some Ginseng. I took one yesterday and I noticed the effects within a couple hours of taking it. This may be the placebo effect but so far so good. Today I took two (a whole dose) and I’m feeling a lot more focused and productive. I felt a lot like this when I first started taking my Gingko before all the medical crap that caused me to have to stop taking it for a while. I hope this keeps working this time I’m really enjoying the focus factor.

I have been working a lot on my art lately. Partly posting new photos partly networking and also adding lot more new things to my favorites. This has been a huge help to me for I quite enjoy talking to other people. Truth be told I haven’t been feeling very social for quite some time and that’s not a good state of mind for me to be in.

Well that’s bout it for now. Now I want to get to work on writing. This is technically part of the same project but a totally different story so it like starting over form scratch. :p

See ya (hopefully sooner than later),


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Just A Ramble

Again I have a lot on my mind today. Including this:

Kid: “Hey, Mom I’m going to Sacramento for the day.”
Mother: “That’s nice dear but why do you want to go there?”
Kid: “It’ll be cool to go to a seaport even if I won’t be seeing the ocean.”
Mother: “Sacramento isn’t a seaport it’s not even close to the ocean.”
Kid: “Yes it is. Just look at how big the rivers are there.”
Mother: “Big rivers don’t make a place a seaport.”
Kid: “It does when ships can sail into the city. That and the sometimes there are sharks and whales. Common, Mom, it’s got whales!”

Caption: Sacramento is a seaport because it has whales???

This is loosely based on a conversation I had with my mom because she honestly thinks that Sacramento isn’t a seaport because it so far inland. I was going through this with Fal one morning and decided to see what would happen if I exaggerated it a bit. I think I want to work on this a bit a see if I can make it better or even draw it out. Who knows, it just may be a one shot thing that nothing comes of it.

In other news I have dinner with my family last night. That was crazy. More crazy than usual because Mom now lives in a small house that technically doesn’t fix as many people as there was last night. All in all it went well though. When I got home I ached so bad. This made me realize that I need to be more active.

Life has been life lately. I’ve been rather up and down and for some reason I keep getting stuck with my writing and thin makes me not want to write much at all. I really want to break out of patterns life this.

I did, however, get a lot of research done on the move that we plan to make next year. So far so good and it won’t cost as much as I thought it would to make the move. We will need to have a place to stay still ‘t be much more costly than it is here if any.

I don’t think I have much more to say so that’s about it for my ramblings for now.


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Hrmm there are two things that have caught my eye while looking at my stats. First this is my 200th post. This to me is awesome! It means that I am indeed using this thing. Woot! The other thing that I noticed the is that I now have more than 50 people that follow this blog. This is great because it seems that I seem to be at least somewhat interesting to someone out there. Thank you all for helping me keep this up.

In other news it’s apparently wrong to express ones point of view but then again that has always been opinion of those that would rather suppress than actually look at the facts. This time it’s about the feminist movements. Now this may come to some of you as a bit of a surprise but I’m NOT a feminist. Being a woman I have been told by some women that this is a total disrespect to all my “sisters” because I’m giving up my rights to the men. Feh, I may not be for this group but I’m not against them either.

I am, however, against suppression of any sort I believe that there needs to be equal rights for everyone. I don’t believe in stepping on the rights of others just for one group to get theirs. I refuse to support people who think that receiving rights means that they can call all the shots. This goes for any group be it the feminists, the NAACP or any other group that fights for equal rights. I’m not saying that I’m against these groups. I just don’t like people using them in their fight to suppress others. If I’m a bigot for these thoughts that fine but don’t go crying to me when your rights are taken from you just because you don’t fit in to the “norm.”



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