I think it’s time for me to start blogging again. I haven’t done it much in the last few years for a variety of reasons but these reasons have come and gone. I need to get over what others might think about what I have to say and just be myself so here goes nothing…
Hello, and welcome once again to my blog. Please, come in and stay a while. I don’t know where this will lead but that’s part of the fun of life, is it not?
Lately I have found that I’ve been in a far better mood. This is a welcoming state to be in for I have been fighting some major emotional issues over the last few years. I’ve had my ups and downs but I think I’ve finally come to grips with some major triggers. I feel that this could be a major turning point for me if I can keep my head up and not let others get in my head again.
I have a lot tumbling around in my mind and I think I’m in a state where I can finally express myself in words again. I feel more free now than I have in years. Part of this is because I’ve think I’ve finally stopped obsessing about what I did wrong in my last relationship (whatever it was in the end). I realize that yes, I did wrong but I wasn’t the only one. I’ve come to the conclusion that this doesn’t make me a monster and the fact that I stopped trying was my way of protecting what little of myself I had left.
Words like “your demons have won” will always hurt but they no longer haunt my dreams. I’m still here and I’m standing on my own now. These fears will no longer control me!
I must say though much pain was caused I don’t hold any ill will towards the major person involved in my latest stumble. As a matter of fact I don’t regret the time I spent trying to make things work out between us. I see all of the pain and all the time spent picking up the pieces worth every bit of it. I’m now stronger than ever and I learned so much.
If I could say anything to this person now I would say:
Thank you for the memories both good and bad. Thank you for the lessons and all the trials you put me through. Though we’ll likely never be friends again I’m glad that I had you in my life no matter how angry I was in the end. Though you’ve hurt me I forgive you.
Now a note on forgiveness. I’m not one of those people who forgive and forget. When I forgive someone that doesn’t mean I’ll welcome them back in my life. It means that I no longer hold any grudge against them. We may never speak again but I hold no ill will against them. This is how I chose to make peace with myself more than anything. If they never forgive me for my flaws then so be it. That’s their prerogative and I’ll never ask for it. This is my way of saying “I have made my peace”and that’s all.
In other news I did come back in contact with a friend who I had become quite distant with in all of my soul searching. When we came back in contact with each other it was like we’d never been apart but now I have no idea what to think about him. I mean he’s a good guy but I think he needs to do a lot of soul searching himself and I don’t know if I can help him or not. Well, I think I’m going to sit on the side lines and if he wants to talk to me then I’ll talk. If not then I guess I’ll just let him go his own way. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I don’t want to get in the way or have any unnecessary drama.
Now it’s time for be to be going for now. I hope to be back and writing again soon.
Take care everyone,