The Shock of Terror

Yesterday was a sad day for many people especially for the people of France. As another living being, I mourn for those lost and suffering. Seeing how I have friends who live in or near Paris, I am deeply concerned for my friends’ well-being.

As an American, who is old enough to remember 9/11 clearly, I can relate to the shock of such an attack. I remember that day well.

I was 17, and it was around 06:30. I lived in Reno, NV so there was three hours’ difference between time zones. I wasn’t feeling well and trying to wake up after staying up too late on a school night. Then the phone rang, it was my stepdad: Me: “Hello?” Him: “Turn on CNN! Turn on CNN!” Me: “What, why?” Him: “Just turn on CNN!” Then he hung up.

Groggy, I got up and slowly turned on the TV. Then I was the twin towers, both of them on fire. The headline read something about a terrorist attack in NYC. New York?!?! I was shocked and didn’t quite believe what I was seeing. I don’t know how long I just stood there watching. Trying to understand what was going on. Then I realized that Mum, who was sleeping *needed* to see what I was seeing.

I barged into Mum’s room babbling and trying to convey what was going on, but the words didn’t come out right at all. Something like, “The World Trade! The World, the world! New York! World buildings!”  She was too confused to understand what I was trying to say and told me just to let her sleep until it was time for her to take us to school. I don’t blame her at all for this. She couldn’t have known what I had just seen on the news, and she truly did need her sleep.

I quickly got ready for school and went back to the living room. There I stared at the TV. I learned about the other planes. The one that hit the Pentagon. The one that was likely headed for the White House that was brought down before it reached its distention. Soon after Mum came in the room. I think she said “Oh, my God!” I don’t know I was too shocked to care really.

I left for school just after the first building collapsed. Just before my sisters and I went out the door for Mum to take us to school Mum gathered us together and told us to pray for those people and the world. We had no idea who it was or what was going to happen.

When I got to school, several of my friends were in the hall. One of them was the head of the prayer group that gathered every morning. Now it’s important to know that I tell you I wasn’t Christian and openly wore a pentacle around my neck, but My friend invited me to pray with them. I accepted the offer, and there I stood holding hands with my friend and a group of people I often clashed with over more often than not petty differences. I prayed. I prayed because I didn’t know what else to do because these people were calling out for help and were offering support. At that moment, I realized that we were all just frightened people doing what we knew how to do. We were all just trying to cope with this major event.

Yes, that day changed my life. No, I didn’t personally know any of the victims but on that day I vowed not to let whoever organized those attacks win. I’ve taken it a step further now and have made it my life’s work to do my part in doing all I can to be understanding of all people. All walks of life. I don’t hate Muslims or the people of the Middle East. I do, however, hate the hideous actions of these radical groups. On this day, I ask everyone to stand with me and each other I want to see the world united against these monsters. I want all of us to take a stand and tell them that we will not be divided nor will we cower in the dark. These actions are awful, and they are not okay in any way shape or form.

It’s ironic that this is the first time I’ve openly shared my memories of 9/11 but I feel that if there’s any “good” time to do so than this is likely the best time. I hope that this can reach at least a few people and help them to know that they’re not alone. United we stand!

~Derema~

Testing… TESTING… Whoa I Think There’s Power Here

I think it’s time for me to start blogging again. I haven’t done it much in the last few years for a variety of reasons but these reasons have come and gone. I need to get over what others might think about what I have to say and just be myself so here goes nothing…

Hello, and welcome once again to my blog. Please, come in and stay a while. I don’t know where this will lead but that’s part of the fun of life, is it not?

Lately I have found that I’ve been in a far better mood. This is a welcoming state to be in for I have been fighting some major emotional issues over the last few years. I’ve had my ups and downs but I think I’ve finally come to grips with some major triggers. I feel that this could be a major turning point for me if I can keep my head up and not let others get in my head again.

I have a lot tumbling around in my mind and I think I’m in a state where I can finally express myself in words again. I feel more free now than I have in years. Part of this is because I’ve think I’ve finally stopped obsessing about what I did wrong in my last relationship (whatever it was in the end). I realize that yes, I did wrong but I wasn’t the only one. I’ve come to the conclusion that this doesn’t make me a monster and the fact that I stopped trying was my way of protecting what little of myself I had left.

Words like “your demons have won” will always hurt but they no longer haunt my dreams. I’m still here and I’m standing on my own now. These fears will no longer control me!

I must say though much pain was caused I don’t hold any ill will towards the major person involved in my latest stumble. As a matter of fact I don’t regret the time I spent trying to make things work out between us. I see all of the pain and all the time spent picking up the pieces worth every bit of it. I’m now stronger than ever and I learned so much.

If I could say anything to this person now I would say:

Thank you for the memories both good and bad. Thank you for the lessons and all the trials you put me through. Though we’ll likely never be friends again I’m glad that I had you in my life no matter how angry I was in the end. Though you’ve hurt me I forgive you.

Now a note on forgiveness. I’m not one of those people who forgive and forget. When I forgive someone that doesn’t mean I’ll welcome them back in my life. It means that I no longer hold any grudge against them. We may never speak again but I hold no ill will against them. This is how I chose to make peace with myself more than anything. If they never forgive me for my flaws then so be it. That’s their prerogative and I’ll never ask for it. This is my way of saying “I have made my peace”and that’s all.

In other news I did come back in contact with a friend who I had become quite distant with in all of my soul searching. When we came back in contact with each other it was like we’d never been apart but now I have no idea what to think about him. I mean he’s a good guy but I think he needs to do a lot of soul searching himself and I don’t know if I can help him or not. Well, I think I’m going to sit on the side lines and if he wants to talk to me then I’ll talk. If not then I guess I’ll just let him go his own way. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I don’t want to get in the way or have any unnecessary drama.

Now it’s time for be to be going for now. I hope to be back and writing again soon.

Take care everyone,

~Derema~

Who IS Derema Phoenixia?

I’m going to be flat out honest with you all here I have several personae one of them is my legal personality she uses my legal name (and no, I don’t want to tell you that name :p) yes, but she isn’t very much of a person. She gets the legal stuff done and is out in a flash. One can call here a rather mundane person all in all. There are a few people that know her as a family member. The one to go to for advice- “How do you fix____?” “What do you do if____?” “How do I____?” and so on. She is more or less straight-laced with only a small hint of Derema herself. She’s the one that the blood family knows the best but she isn’t who I care to be for the most part.

Then there’s the author in me that’s too shy to come completely out. Very few people really know her and that’s how she likes it. She will never be completely Derema for Derema’s far more open in most areas. Yes, Derema also writes and is getting better abut just letting everything just become whatever it is but this person is the shy one who if ever learned to open up and let herself go she may even become unstoppable but she’s not Derema though she’s closer to Derema than the legal personality.

Then there’s Deréma Phoenixia there’s a lot more to her than my other “alter-egos” She is the closest to being me that I know of. She is the one that shows the most when I’m comfortable. My best friends and mates know who she is the best. A lot of you people who know me on-line knows Derema or a least a part of her. She’s usually open, fun-loving, a bit hyper, completely crazy and does all she can to be herself.

So how did Derema come to be me? Well, first I should give you a bit of a background as to how she came to be. A lot of people ask me about this when they learn about my legal name or learn about Derema for that matter. It was the turn of the century… Really, it was just after 2000… lol The name has been with me for more than ten years. I was still in high school (Oh no, I’m dating myself ;p). At that time I was going through a lot of changes like most teens do. I was done being a thing more than a person. I hated myself and knew that I needed to change. So I planned on changing my whole life. My friends, my habits even my religion. Some of these things took more time than others but this was the turning point in my life- the birth of Derema if you will.

How the name Deréma Phoenixia came to be? This is a bit of a long story but here goes nothing… (Sorry if this is a bit dilute and mixed up. It’s been a while sense I tried to recall this.) There was this nerdy little girl who’s name will remain untold. That I had became friends with a long while before but had just been reunited with after several years. This girl was undoubtedly the strangest person I’d ever met but I was strangely attracted to her. Maybe it was because of how strange she was that I found that attraction to her Whatever the cause it’s really not matter we became close friends and that was an odd feeling for me. For I never bothered with being close to anyone. I thought they were all the same abusive creatures that my mother and stepfather were so I didn’t bother with being close to anyone but she wasn’t like that at all.

What does this have to do with how I got the name? Well, she was the one who came up with the name at first. It was my “alien name” if you will. After all she thought she wasn’t from Earth and was in fact some sort of alien heir to a galaxy and if I liked her that meant I was the same as her so I was dubbed “Derema Phoenixia” by the “Alien Princess.” I can’t remember exactly how the “Derema” past came about but I remember thinking that it reminded me a bit of the word “dream” so I liked it. As for “Phoenixia” it was a corruption of the word “Phoenix” for this “Princess” saw the Great Phoenix in me as if it was my totem. Little did she know that I already had seen the phoenix in me for I was indeed trying to burn my old live away and trying to recreate a new life out of what there was left.

Not long after I received my name I decided to make it my on-line name. I figured if I grew out of it I could always change the name but that didn’t turn out to be the case. Over time I started introduce myself a Derema outside of the interwebs.

Derema began to stray from the old me just as I had hoped for. Suddenly more and more people knew me as Derema not my legal name and I like it! There was one issue my blood-kin had no clue of Derema and I began to realize hat I was happy with this fact. If all they did to me was degrade the me they did know what would the do to a new me? I didn’t want them to even have the chance to try to hurt the new born part of me. So I kept her from them and everyone who knew me as Derema I kept mostly away from my blood-kin. Soon I had two “families” my blood-kin and my friends that knew who I really was.

A lot of people who knew me on-line started to ask me how Derema was pronounced. Time and time again I tried to tell them it’s de-ray-ma but it never stuck. Finally I started to use the French ‘é’ for the second ‘e’ but most people still didn’t get it but I liked that spelling better anyway.

Over time I told a few people what my legal name was and the most popular questions they had were: “How did you come up with the name ‘Derema?’” and “What does it mean?” So what does my name mean? At one point I started tell people that “Deréma” was kind of a corruption of word “dream” and “Phoenixia” was a corruption of the word “phoenix” and it’s been that way ever since.

But who IS Deréma Phoenixia? As you can see her history is long and she’s directly tied to my legal past but Deréma Phoenixia is her own person with her own life.

Ahh the dream phoenix as she’s come to call herself lately. The phoenix is one of the most amazing creatures to me. Much like how Derema came to be the phoenix burns itself and out of the ashes is reborn to become something more- something better.

Derema once was herself as just a crazy cat-girl/boy/boi… err cat-person I guess is the best way to put it. With a phoenix as her totem animal. That is like the native Americans use totem animals. Now she’s something a bit more it seems. But what is a bit unknown as of yet. Perhaps she’ll show herself more as her totem or maybe a cross between her cat self and her phoenix self. These details will come in time though.

Her main family is Fal, a crazy cat-girl who Derema happens to love very deeply. Meta, a chaotic bird thing who’s equally loved just as crazy but in very different ways. Hoshi, the cat no, she really IS a cat not just a fleshy thing trying to add fur. Bob, the ferret- again a “REAL” ferret but he’s quite old so he doesn’t have a lot a fur left. Last but not least there’s Margarita, a green-cheeked conure. These are the people that’s been with Derema through thick and thin despite all the crap that’s happened. These people are more that just blood they are true family.

She’s been though a lot but is a strong, caring, fun-loving spirit who never what’s to grow up completely but can be very serious when she needs to be. She’s willing to give anyone a hug but if anyone other that the ones she chooses try to take it further they’re likely to get their face clawed off.

With that said I think that’s about all I have for now. Geez this is a lot longer that I thought it would and I think that’s a good thing.

~Derema~

Productivity

Over the last month or so I have been feeling quite unproductive so I decided to try something new and get myself some Ginseng. I took one yesterday and I noticed the effects within a couple hours of taking it. This may be the placebo effect but so far so good. Today I took two (a whole dose) and I’m feeling a lot more focused and productive. I felt a lot like this when I first started taking my Gingko before all the medical crap that caused me to have to stop taking it for a while. I hope this keeps working this time I’m really enjoying the focus factor.

I have been working a lot on my art lately. Partly posting new photos partly networking and also adding lot more new things to my favorites. This has been a huge help to me for I quite enjoy talking to other people. Truth be told I haven’t been feeling very social for quite some time and that’s not a good state of mind for me to be in.

Well that’s bout it for now. Now I want to get to work on writing. This is technically part of the same project but a totally different story so it like starting over form scratch. :p

See ya (hopefully sooner than later),

~Derema~

Day 26/365… O…K…

Ugh, I hate waking up to stupid shit that I thought was over with.

Do you all remember my post that made almost a month ago about the “friend” how I was working with for the tailoring business but decided not to because he was treating my like shit? If not you can read it here (don’t forget to read the comments too). He’s back again and now seemingly trying t start shit again this time by responding to old news. I haven’t even mentioned him until this post because I thought it was all over with. Hell, I hadn’t heard form him for weeks. Why did he even bother talking to me again? I am really that wrong to write about my feelings on here? WTF?

Anyway I’m done ranting about this. Will you all please take pity on my now? Just joking. That’s what he thinks I’m shooting for when I post things like this on here. So why do I post on here anyway? Well, there are many reasons for this.

1) I like to keep a log of what happened and when so I can go back to it at a later date and see why I was the way I was and what caused me to act a cretin way. Yes, I a nut case and am OCD about this fact. Sure I can log this in my own privet place but I don’t feel the need to do so. Not with these things that I post on here. (PS: Do you think this is all I write about? ;p)

2) I do like to know what others think about what’s going on in my life and how I’m handling my issues. After all I can’t know if I’m doing that well or not if all I do is surround myself with people who are friends. After all friends are ofter on the side of their friends. Not to offend I’m glad to hear your opinions too but sometimes it helps to hear from someone looking in rather than someone on the inside.

3) Above all I SIMPLY LIKE TO WRITE. I don’t care who reads this I just want to get it out of my mind and onto “paper.” If someone likes my writing that that’s a bonus. If they don’t that’s fine by me too. Just remember you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. It’s up to you.

In other news the rest of today was nice. I watched some TV and took a walk. It wasn’t nearly as hot as it had been.

My insurance also approved my physical therapy for my shoulder so again I’m going to be having a buys time of it for a while but it’s worth it. WOOT!

That’s it for now I may post something more tonight but I just needed to vent a bit. Oh, yeah I not supposed to do that because it makes some people mad. Bah just look at what this sort of thing does to me. I off to try to a bit of quiet time before we pick up Fal.

~Derema~

Oh and a good quote for this:

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers. -Isaac Asimov

Weekly Goals: Week 1

I’ve been thinking about something I used to do on another blog several years ago. At one point I was keeping daily goals I don’t know if I really want to do them that often but I would like to try to keep weekly goals at least.

Rules:

– Write out goals every Sunday. (If it is missed on Sunday write them out ASAP.)
– Check in every Saturday.
– Write reasonable goals.
– Try to write at least three goals.

This week is mostly gone but I have some ideas as to what I want to accomplish in the next few days so I’ll write some out on here.

1) Get to the rest of my doctor appointments this week. I have two more left.
2) Keep up with my daily blogging.
3) Try to do something creative. IE: Work on my writing or art (assuming my right hand is working enough to do this.)

Well here goes nothing.

Goodnight,

~Derema~

One Year Challenge: Day 11/365… Questions And Goals

I am quite curious by nature. I ponder things like life and why people are the way they are. I commit taboos such as asking others about their religion and questioning why they believe the way they do. Not out of malice but out of an interest. I want to know why and what and how. Why does this happen? What does this do? How does it work? My inner child never “grew up.” I never learned to except phrases like “it just is.” And guess what I’m happy about this. It keeps my young and helps my to cope with my own deficiencies.

Today I have been pondering a lot. I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions such as: What am I trying to accomplish? How am I going to get to where I want to be? How do I get out of this rut I have found myself in? How long have I actually been in this rut? You know what I’ve found while asking myself these question? I found that one of my biggest frustrations is the fact that I feel stuck and when I feel stuck I tend to retreat inwards. I forget to let others in to my life and I forget to reach out becoming even more stuck.

I think part of my issue is the fact that I really have nothing to do in this town now that Dennis has passed. You see, I used to dedicate a lot of my time and effort to helping him. I may have gotten frustrated at him form time to time but all in all I liked helping him. It gave my a sense of belonging but now that’s gone and there’s really nothing in this town left for me.

So why am I still here more than six months later? There’s a simple answer to this money. That’s no excuse I can find a way to make more money and get out of here so long as I make the right connections and work hard for my goal.

Time has come to wake up and work on getting out of here more actively. I have until the end of the year to find out what I’m really doing and how to get out of here. I don’t want to sign yet another lease at this place. (This has nothing to do with the place as it is.) I know that’s enough time.

One of my goals is to write and publish a book and another goal is to travel more. So let’s kill two birds with one stone. I have an idea that is partly Fal’s that involves traveling interstate highways writing restaurant reviews. Why not try this one? I want to do this and if Fal wants to work on this with me too that she is more that welcome to but she must keep in mind that she may need to quit here day job and that may not be ideal for her for the time being. Either that or her boss is a lot more kind than I’d be. Fal, I’m not trying to discourage you here I’m just letting you know what I think may happen if you decide to come with me.

Now the question is should this be published as a blog or just a book? Also should it be self published and should I/we go through a publisher? Another things is how do I/we go about raising the money to get this accomplished? Ahh there are a great many of things that needs to be thought of.

As for the rest of the day it went smoothly. I think it time to do some research so I of of here for now

See ya,

~Derema~

One Year Challenge: Day 9/365… Musing

I’m feeling much better today. I got a good night’s sleep and that makes too the difference in the world.

I have a lot on my mind today. One of these things is ignorance. This was spurred on when I was playing my usual game and watching others talk about this and that. When two people started speaking Spanish. I will grant everyone else was speaking English but these two weren’t even from the US (Part of the joys of playing a game on the internet for me.) Then this one woman started bashing them as if they were in the US and talking crap about her. (FYI they weren’t talking crap at all.) This caused an uproar in the room and got me thinking…

I can’t stand ignorance it’s one of my pet peeves. Yeah, I have me issues and I can be closed-minded too but I do my best not to be ignorant. That’s why I question so much about life. It’s people like that woman that make me realize how much I try to understand what I don’t get. It makes me sad that so many people still try to make everyone else fit into their own little box and if they don’t fit in then they’re cast aside.

We don’t like what we don’t understand and if we don’t understand it we are taught to fear it. They call it wrong or even evil. Why is that? I can’t be like that if I don’t understand something a try to learn about it. I embrace it not push it aside. If I’m going to call it wrong than I want to know why it’s wrong. How can one call it wrong if one doesn’t even know what “it” is? Am I truly that odd? Is this idea truly so foreign or frightening? How can we learn anything if we don’t try to understand?

All right I’m done ranting… for now…lol

I also started to write a kind of “bucket list” to try to see where my goals really lay. I know I want to travel the world and write but I want to be able to look at all the things I really want to do and start doing them.

Today was a rather productive day. I got some more writing done and got to try Basque food for the first time. It was really good but the cost of it was a bit much. o_0;

I think that about all I have to say for tonight.
See ya,

~Derema~

Day 115/365… Road Trip

First off HAPPY EASTER! I hope that all of you who celebrate it had a great one. ^_^

Ahhh today was a fun day despite a miscommunication about a road trip that I thought (and from what I have been told Fal thought this way too) was decided at least av week ago.

The day started out with Fal and I laying in bed until almost 11:00am. Then I got up and asked Meta ans Nikki when they wanted to go to Tahoe. Meta then said that he didn’t know and proceeded to tell me that he felt that *I* just shoved this idea down his throat yesterday. This really rubbed me the wrong way. I was like WTF I thought this was the plan for a while. Why is the finger being pointed at me for the lack of understanding? So instead of everyone going on the trip it was just Fal, Danny and me.

And guess what? It was great fun even without half my “family.” Fal, Danny and I ate too much food, sang loudly and chucked rocks into the lake. Fal and I also took some more pictures. I got a bit overheated but I had a blast and so did Danny.

As a result of having the finger pointed at me after we got back I really didn’t feel like including Meta in any of the Tahoe. Why should I want to shove more things down his throat? If he wanted to know then he could have came along, right? This is how I get when I feel like I’ve been unfairly persecuted for something but don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Anyway after that Fal and I picked Meta up to go over to Mom’s for ham. (This was far less planned than the Tahoe thing.) Yeah, I may have been irritated by his lack of understanding but I wasn’t going to leave him out of all the fun. This too was great fun. I got to hang out with Mom and Eva and chatted about many things.

All in all today was a good day. It just started out odd.

~Derema~

Communication Is A MUST (A Bit Of A Rant)

So today I woke up believing That the whole house and I were going to take Danny to Tahoe and spend the day there but I guess I was mistaken. Instead my question of when does everyone want to go was met with what do you mean and I don’t know you just shoved this idea onto us yesterday.

I was like What??? I thought this was planned a while ago (and I wasn’t even the originator of said plan). Suddenly instead of feeling like the happy go lucky puppy I felt like the blame was being placed on me for the poor planning.

You know what I wasn’t the only one who thought we were going to Tahoe today. Fal too thought that was the plan. What the fuck, why was *I* the one who the finger was pointed at? I was just going with the flow. Hell, if you didn’t want to go then you could have TOLD me yesterday when I supposedly shoved this idea down your throat. I would have been fine with that. Why did you act all wishy-washy until the last minute?

I guess that’ll teach me to try to have a get-together. I’ll likely think twice before considering another trip like that. No offense meant but I just don’t like being the only one blamed for the lack of commutation.

Lack of commutation is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate it when people don’t tell me that something is wrong until after the fact. If you have a problem with me then flat out tell me. Don’t hint around hoping that I’ll get it because chances are I won’t. I am a far more literal person that I lead on especially when it comes to commutation.

With that said I hope you have a good night.

~Derema~